Alamelu Janaki

  Postpartum Blues       I don’t know if I am usually like this, or my howling has got something to do with my postpartum depression.  Recently, I find myself deeply vulnerable, sensitive and I long for a loving, comforting, acknowledging, appreciating cocoon. I feel lonely quite often nor do I enjoy the company. In the recent quarrel episode, I was scared about myself. The self- harming and self-loathing thoughts I had were so terrifying.  I tried to recall the trail of events and string of thoughts to bring  a rationale to my outburst. I am writing this to come in terms with myself. If I am angry, the following can happen: 1.     I hurt myself or the one i love, deliberately. 2.     My emotions and thoughts take control over me. 3.     I want compassion, but show no signs of receiving it. 4.     I want it to stop, but i will have to be the person to utter the last word. 5.     Once my threshold is hit and nozzle is open, it just pours. No turning back. 6.     All th

  TO BE, OR NOT TO BE AT HOME? To be, or not to be at home? is the question that constantly rummages my mind. “To be of use” or “to be productive” is always the situation.   It's been more than one year since I took a break from my full time job (technically a year’s leave is extending itself). I was 7 months pregnant then and now my girl is a year old. Much has changed. Sometimes, I am glad that I am able to participate in my baby’s growth wholeheartedly. Sometimes it feels like the world is pacing forward and I am super stagnant. I am finding it difficult to deal with the pressure of being in the game. They say, nurturing a baby is the penultimate goal of one’s life. They say, babies grow by themselves, they need an independent environment to aspire. They say, I am just sitting at home and lazing around. They say, my qualifications are not exactly put in use. I am being judged as a mother, as a wife, as a daughter, as a teacher, as an employee. My therapist said, not