TO BE, OR NOT TO BE AT HOME?

 

TO BE, OR NOT TO BE AT HOME?

To be, or not to be at home? is the question that constantly rummages my mind.

“To be of use” or “to be productive” is always the situation.  

It's been more than one year since I took a break from my full time job (technically a year’s leave is extending itself). I was 7 months pregnant then and now my girl is a year old. Much has changed.

Sometimes, I am glad that I am able to participate in my baby’s growth wholeheartedly. Sometimes it feels like the world is pacing forward and I am super stagnant. I am finding it difficult to deal with the pressure of being in the game.

They say, nurturing a baby is the penultimate goal of one’s life. They say, babies grow by themselves, they need an independent environment to aspire. They say, I am just sitting at home and lazing around. They say, my qualifications are not exactly put in use.

I am being judged as a mother, as a wife, as a daughter, as a teacher, as an employee. My therapist said, not to seek validation. She said to acknowledge my efforts in all that I do. But I am unable to bring myself to that point. All my life, I believed working and earning is a responsible thing to do for the family. Because amma was the caretaker then. perhaps, now i am that amma to give my daughter a cushion. 

 I am unable to tell myself that the newly assigned roles are equally great. In fact, I find being at home is more tedious. Why does being a full time mom at home feels like a less privileged thing to do?

       Perhaps of its routine, or mundaneness, or you won’t get paid.

Psychologically I think it paralyzes the creative spirit. The multitude of possibilities scare the shit out of me. I can either be taking online classes from home, give speak up classes, or work and contribute on social media content, do some free lancing or figure out a new hobby. I have this long pending PhD work to attend. But everyday is different, i lack consistency. i regret it. No, actaully i am fine. Thulir (my daughter) takes up a lot of my time and energy, which I enjoy sometimes and other times I crib about it.

Maybe, i was running since my college, and now the real pause moment came and it is slowing down and i am unable to comprehend how am i to approach such a scenario.