Postpartum Blues

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Postpartum Blues

     I don’t know if I am usually like this, or my howling has got something to do with my postpartum depression.  Recently, I find myself deeply vulnerable, sensitive and I long for a loving, comforting, acknowledging, appreciating cocoon. I feel lonely quite often nor do I enjoy the company. In the recent quarrel episode, I was scared about myself. The self- harming and self-loathing thoughts I had were so terrifying.  I tried to recall the trail of events and string of thoughts to bring  a rationale to my outburst. I am writing this to come in terms with myself.

If I am angry, the following can happen:

1.    I hurt myself or the one i love, deliberately.

2.    My emotions and thoughts take control over me.

3.    I want compassion, but show no signs of receiving it.

4.    I want it to stop, but i will have to be the person to utter the last word.

5.    Once my threshold is hit and nozzle is open, it just pours. No turning back.

6.    All the repressed humiliation and insults pop up in order and i begin quoting them. That in turn infuriates me more.

7.    The bile of disgust and frustration travels up the throat and waits to throw itself out.

8.    I will have no ears for the other person, i wouldn’t stop loathing.

9.    I disguise my vulnerability and anxiety as rudeness.

10.                   I  will feel wronged and I will retaliate in all the possible ways.

11.                   My subjective emphasis on my feelings, screens the obvious logic of the situation.

12.                   My instinct eggs me to flee the place and escape, never to put myself in the same situation again.

13.                   This will add to the list of traumatic events, and continue haunting.

14.                   The aftermath of wrath is even painful that i regret hurting myself and my loved one.

15.                   Instead of representing my just cause, i succumb to the negative emotions and get triggered by it. 

 

    In this phase I am exhibiting these and lot more complicated signs. Not necessarily, everyone will agree with me or have patience when such signs are emitted.

This fragility of my emotions threaten me.  Nevertheless, I will attend to these and see the forms it takes.


I am hopeful, that I will learn to straddle between emotions and enjoy the process of motherhood.  

I am sure, this too shall pass!💙💜


Comments

  1. AnonymousAugust 6, 2024 at 1:05 AM

    Great dear ...even I am sailing in that ship👍

    ReplyDelete
  2. BhuvaneswariAugust 6, 2024 at 3:57 AM

    The healing of inner child is important and crucial to adulting otherwise regulation of your emotions and feelings is just a tornado you get stuck in.

    Look deep within yourself for ways to adult along with healing your inner child to better regulate your emotions.

    Be sure to drop perspectives that do not aid you ❤️

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Alamelu JanakiAugust 6, 2024 at 9:41 PM

      yeah, adulting is quite a thing! thank you for the insight!

      Delete
  3. AnonymousAugust 6, 2024 at 9:43 PM

    Most of us wouldn't be aware what's happening..you have your own analysis...win your mind...it's all mind game..more strengths to you

    ReplyDelete

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