"you are unfit, irresponsible, my son deserved better."

I couldn't actually stop myself from thinking about the recent Rithanya case in TamilNadu, where she commits suicide upon the dowry demand and ill treatment from her husband and family, with in 78 days of marriage. Despite the lakhs and crores involved, no agency emancipated her. The audio notes and my personal experience took its form and made me write this. 

I have tried to rationalize the traumatic process.  I am inspiring to impart the feeling of togetherness to anybody who is facing similar situation, in diluted or intense forms. Be it love or arranged marriage this dowry demanding and giving process is very much in practice. It is not ancient but persistent. In some way or the other the patriarchal society via  the groom's family constructs "you are unfit, irresponsible, my son deserved better." narrative around the bride and her family. The first person experience of this treatment is so horrible that despite the empowered labels - education, career, skills, outspokenness- the bride is irrevocably caught in  the whirlwind of guilt and trauma.  

     Firstly, there will be a narrative that will be build, “that you are not enough”. The mother-in-law character will deem you (daughter-in-law) unfit, no matter what your personal and professional  accomplishments are. Anything you do will be scrutinized, everyday treatment and the way they talk to you will be like “I have never seen an incapable person like you”.  If it is a normal situation, the daughter in law’s instinct will be to retaliate and defend, but here she wouldn’t because she has to be pleasant  and it will always be too early to defend fearing the repercussions. 

    What becomes difficult is :

     1. Retaliation or confronting your mother-in-law is not easy because already she owns the place and power, were you to resist, she will use more means to put you in place. In such a situation, navigating your day to day activities will itself be too much of a task. Like the way you are eating, sitting will be scrutinized. There will be a lot of drama for you to use the basic amenities like tv, washing machine, etc.. it will be a breeding ground of hatred. For you to live there everyday is like to be in jail. 

        2.  If the attack was on you, probably you might know to handle, but it will be aimed at your parents -

                    A. You are missing them already, post marriage.  

                    B. When they verbally ill treat your parents, all of their physical and emotional toil for you to get married will appear in your mind, and you will feel extremely guilty for letting your parents being treated that way. The resulting guilt is overwhelming. 

    You wouldn’t dare to express the struggle you face at in-laws place at your home, for they will be disheartened, all the dowry that was already given, the marriage expenses will have no validity. 

    Also, they won’t see the truth of the incident, it might appear a negligible happening to their eyes, they will push you to withhold, understand and adjust. While all their interest lies in giving you a settled life, they are not to be blamed. Your parents are in a highly helpless state because their immediate  instinct would be like turn every stone for it to see some light. 

    With no where to resort nor to take refuge, you begin imbibing all that you are accused of. There is so much of conflict in you. You will become a walking- living- breathing chaos. 

    Now the saddest part is either your spouse is for or against this demanding dowry treatment is regardless because the control is always with the mother-in-law.  The person who has to offer support either succumbs to the mother-in-law narrative “how irresponsible person that you are” or consistently abuse you to fit in to the mother-in-law’s terms, for the peace of the house to be restored. 

    This internalized guilt - of putting your parents in such a situation, the inability to confront the ill treatment, suffering at the hands of this monstrously powerful mother-in-law, not knowing how to navigate further in personal and career terms - will paralyze you. This will mute you and voice is gone. You loose your articulation and ability to comprehend. 

    Meena Kandasamy in her autobiographical book called When I Hit you says, firstly it will be difficult for the victim to understand if it is actually happening to you, you will be scared or overconfident in your head to actually think, you are put in such treatment on everyday basis. 

    In situations like these, acknowledging the situation is very essential. Coming to terms with the reality, distancing yourself is not that easy because everyday you  are immersed with their mental torture. So comprehending this in whole, while enduring it is absolutely impossible. That way you trapped yourself. 

        What can actually free you is you. Wrapping sense into your head. Yes, easy to say, extremely difficult to do. But there is solidarity, keep telling to yourself and to others about the treatment you receive at your in-laws place. Your in-laws will obviously be against it.  Raise your consciousness. Your silence is their victory. Try to give visible signs that you are not okay and you are likely to tell all that is happening to others. The more you speak out the more they will confine you, irrespective of that tell them or possibly everyone that you weren’t justly treated. 

     Voice is freedom. Your narrative will emancipate you from your clutches.