What defines strength? (with reference to my husband)

 

 

I am 8 months pregnant. I am married for a year and 6 months. I had so many apprehensions concerning marriage. Perhaps due to  my overthinking or my consistent exposure to certain texts in literature or my independent ideologies made me think  all sort of negatives about having a husband.

To name a  few, the husband figure will be dominating, he would be judgmental and curb my freedom, like he will always confront me for my choices and  confine my flow of thoughts and lot more. I have imagined all the horrible things, like what if I hate him after being married, what if he hates me after living with me for few years or months or days. I used to rant and rave to my friends about what guarantees joy in marriage, what surety promises us for longevity  in marriage and lot more skeptical things. I will imagine the worst for every possible thing. I wasn’t ready for marriage. I don’t exactly know the cause of my fear but it will spiral up in humungous forms and it will induce a lot of troublesome feeling.

When me and Kalyan spoke via matrimony nothing was different.  I just held on to my  apprehensions in secrecy and in silence. I held my guards high and I never wanted to give in to my deep fears. I pretended to be strong, but I was scared to the core. The change was too much to handle.

We were poles apart in anything we do, think and say. He is more organized, process- result oriented person. I am more of a spontaneous, go with the flow person. He takes extreme efforts for an errand or a date, I am unsure if I notice it and give him credits for it. I relish PDA, and he shies away. I multi task and he methodically sticks to one task at a time and in fact he will need a break switching from one task to another, my switch is seamless. I am lazy, my fuel will burn out but he will be still looking for a productive leisure. Right from attire  decisions to food choices, we are at extremes.

But slowly things changed. Kalyan was much more than I thought. He was kind and understanding. He withstood all the troubles in silence. He was in his shell always, silently observing and processing things. I will blatantly spill anything that occurred in my mind. That never made things easier between us.  I offered so much resistance in the beginning to anything he proposed. I always took the other side.  God knows why I did it.

Like  I grumble about my trivial problem to him, he will address it meticulously offering me at least three different solutions, while I just want him to listen. I don’t know if I have a problem with anything he does. But like, how can someone be so concerned 24*7.  It might wane over time, I want him to be real. Perhaps he is, but just that I can’t believe it. How can someone be to a T every single time? Obviously not, but he strives ardently for it. That brings pressure? Idk again. My rationale about his being and behavior slowly changed over time. I began to see him with no presumptuous notions, he shone like a star, with no embellishments. Just the raw self, abundantly adorable.

 My perception about strength changed, I always thought, speaking one’s mind out unabashedly is confidence but he showed me doing what is best in that demanding situation is confidence. The first one was easy and the latter demanded much more courage to suppress your thoughts and let the situation proceed.

“So don’t you worry your pretty little mind,
People throw rocks at things that shine,
And life makes love look hard,
The stakes are high,
The water’s rough,
But this love is ours”

TAYLOR SWIFT, "OURS".