Alamelu Janaki

 Pondicherry now feels totally different through Imayam's eyes.  The book Aarumugam  is about the  coming of age of the titular character, born into a oppressed family. The presence/absence of his family has greatly shaped his adulthood, robbing off his innocence. Set in Pondicherry, the book traces the protected boyhood of Aarumugam, his straying away from studies rather life itself by consistently running away from bothersome situations.  The downtrodden people in his society represent the vicious cycle of poverty and the never ending struggle to meet the basic needs. The surrounding he engages in is a microcosm of the real world itself where the fittest and richest survive and the poor, oppressed people run a rat race that sees no light.  Dhanabakiyam, Aarumugam's mother survives him post his father's demise while working at Auroville. she treats her son's wellbeing as the utmost priority and aspires to give him education and all the  opportunities ...

The Birth of a Leader is quite a process.  I wasn't a fan of Vijay as an actor but he got me fascinating since his decision to enter politics. It is obvious that Vijay as a leader will be highly charismatic, hugely popular. Considering the recent stampede, the significant question that lingers around his political future is how will he organize the collective energy of his fans and further navigate the passion of the mob to suit his career, as the recent horror proved that unchecked collective passion is dangerous.      This reminds me of Shakespeare's depiction of Roman crowd during the assassination of Julius Caesar. The play presents the roman crowd as fickle, emotional and easily swayed.  In the opening of Shakespeareian play Julius Caesar, the crowd jubilantly celebrates the victory of Caesar. Ironically, the same crowd accepts Brutus rationale for Caesar's death.  After the talk of Brutus, the crowd believes that Caesar was ambitious and he de...

I couldn't actually stop myself from thinking about the recent Rithanya case in TamilNadu, where she commits suicide upon the dowry demand and ill treatment from her husband and family, with in 78 days of marriage. Despite the lakhs and crores involved, no agency emancipated her. The audio notes and my personal experience took its form and made me write this.  I have tried to rationalize the traumatic process.  I am inspiring to impart the feeling of togetherness to anybody who is facing similar situation, in diluted or intense forms. Be it love or arranged marriage this dowry demanding and giving process is very much in practice. It is not ancient but persistent. In some way or the other the patriarchal society via  the groom's family constructs "you are unfit, irresponsible, my son deserved better." narrative around the bride and her family. The first person experience of this treatment is so horrible that despite the empowered labels - education, career, skills, o...

  Appa is now my amma as well. This is an appa’s appreciation blog. Post amma’s demise, I longed for my mother’s presence, not having realised, what a solid support my father has been offering me. Appa’s love language is never loud and clear, I don’t remember   we having any sort of physical touch. He isn’t expressive. But, In retrospection,   I see that he is the embodiment of love. In all the little and big things he did for me, I have propelled   forward.   Appa is now my amma as well. Post childbirth, he helps me run the family whenever he comes to Bengaluru. I would be so lost in void if not for his contribution. When appa comes to  Bengaluru,   he does the following things: 1.                  He completely takes care of   Thulir, bathes her, feeds her, changes her diaper, takes her for a stroll, engages her with no trace of grumblings.   2.    ...

    “Valai” will eat you alive. In an interview with Barathwaj Rangan, the director   Mari Selvaraj told that the film “valai” is like:     “you consume normal water and you die”. That’s how simple and perplexed it is! The film is not just a slice of life of a downtrodden family, it is also the nature of life and the vicious cycle of power itself.     It is more than a week since I watched the film, I can’t get over it. I feel there is a rusted knife slowly piercing my stomach inch by inch.   The film transports you to a beautiful world of a boy’s coming of age. His life is calm, beautiful and pretty much sticks to the routine. Things change as he develops resilience and decides to retaliate against things he detests. in contrast, the equation between him and his teacher is sheer delight. The innocence of his unadulterated love for his teacher is rejuvenating.   As the little boy’s wings equip him to fly, he is clipped down by hun...

  Most of the times, I am overwhelmed by the little things people do for me, in my desperate state.      I am a year old since my delivery, now that i recall my pregnancy process, i remember all the people who  participated in the process.  Strangely all my memory concerns food.       When i was carrying , I used to be super hungry once I come home from college. There will be nobody at home, kalyan will be at his mother’s place, I will go straight to my friend Prathi’s house. She wouldn’t be there either. One such time prathi’s brother in law was in town, seeing me he was like “yenga, pasikudha?” (are you hungry? ) my face failed me, and poor thing he made a large glass of coffee and was like drink it up, he gave me three biscuit packets as well. It was an inexplicable feeling.   Every time, I think of this, I tear up. I don't find exact words to describe that feeling.         During my pregnancy, I thin...

  The more I shun myself from thinking about the distressing events happening around me, the more I become guilty. This write up (outpour) is a reflection of the clashing questions, thoughts that linger in my mind.   Is there any rationale behind r*pe? Of course not, no crime is just. I have always thought r*pe is due to uncontrollable lust, an exploitation of helpless people.   More than exhibiting power and displaying violence it feels there is more misogyny and desire to control.   why will a man  r*pe ? What eggs him for such an act of violence? Is he aware of the repercussions? Or does he even know it is violence and unacceptable?   The following are my propositions: 1.                       😓   Because he/they is/are able to do it and get away? 2.                        😓    People in power and p...

  Postpartum Blues       I don’t know if I am usually like this, or my howling has got something to do with my postpartum depression.  Recently, I find myself deeply vulnerable, sensitive and I long for a loving, comforting, acknowledging, appreciating cocoon. I feel lonely quite often nor do I enjoy the company. In the recent quarrel episode, I was scared about myself. The self- harming and self-loathing thoughts I had were so terrifying.  I tried to recall the trail of events and string of thoughts to bring  a rationale to my outburst. I am writing this to come in terms with myself. If I am angry, the following can happen: 1.     I hurt myself or the one i love, deliberately. 2.     My emotions and thoughts take control over me. 3.     I want compassion, but show no signs of receiving it. 4.     I want it to stop, but i will have to be the person to utter the last word. 5. ...

  TO BE, OR NOT TO BE AT HOME? To be, or not to be at home? is the question that constantly rummages my mind. “To be of use” or “to be productive” is always the situation.   It's been more than one year since I took a break from my full time job (technically a year’s leave is extending itself). I was 7 months pregnant then and now my girl is a year old. Much has changed. Sometimes, I am glad that I am able to participate in my baby’s growth wholeheartedly. Sometimes it feels like the world is pacing forward and I am super stagnant. I am finding it difficult to deal with the pressure of being in the game. They say, nurturing a baby is the penultimate goal of one’s life. They say, babies grow by themselves, they need an independent environment to aspire. They say, I am just sitting at home and lazing around. They say, my qualifications are not exactly put in use. I am being judged as a mother, as a wife, as a daughter, as a teacher, as an employee. My therapist said,...

    My sister has always been a delight. Today is the first day of her MBA program at Christ University, Bangalore.  5 year 3 months is the age gap between us. I remember seeing her grow in front of my eyes, mature and evolve, defining her opinions and ideologies. Slowly yet steadily, her arc of transition was remarkable.      She is always silent and reserves her feelings for herself. She can just be quiet for an entire day, not talking to anyone just eating, sleeping and watching TV. When she is silent, I can’t predict her emotions as well, I will wonder if she is hurt or sad or happy. She is basically lazy like me, but when she is determined, she strives beyond limits to achieve her goal. Both of our perceptions about an occurrence would be different. We will take strangely opposite stands. I don’t think we have any similarities. She prepares well ahead of time, and I prepare everything in the 11 th hour. She is more matured and processed in thou...

    “Don’t judge a book by its cover” , they say.   But I suppose our mind conceives so much of presumptuous notions/ideas in minutes about the person you met. Maybe if you are not prepared for the situation, you wouldn’t anticipate anything. But when you yourself are hyped up about it, you are already there building so much of theories and analyzing every nuance and intricacy of the person you have just met, in all the   possible ways. Obviously, you are being unabashedly judgmental and cynical.      This scene involves me and a guy, who later became my husband. That was our first date, post all our texting in Instagram. We displayed liking in Matrimony site and thus texted a while. How much of a person you can actually see through words and this guy swore to god to never use emojis. I had lot of insecurities   concerning marriage, perhaps due to my consistent exposure to patriarchal texts and stereotypes. I imagined all the worst things a...

    I am 8 months pregnant. I am married for a year and 6 months. I had so many apprehensions concerning marriage. Perhaps due to   my overthinking or my consistent exposure to certain texts in literature or my independent ideologies made me think   all sort of negatives about having a husband. To name a   few, the husband figure will be dominating, he would be judgmental and curb my freedom, like he will always confront me for my choices and   confine my flow of thoughts and lot more. I have imagined all the horrible things, like what if I hate him after being married, what if he hates me after living with me for few years or months or days. I used to rant and rave to my friends about what guarantees joy in marriage, what surety promises us for longevity   in marriage and lot more skeptical things. I will imagine the worst for every possible thing. I wasn’t ready for marriage. I don’t exactly know the cause of my fear but it will spiral up in humu...