06/04/2026. A decade since your demise.

-

  

“April is the cruelest month” T.S. Eliot said, I can’t agree more.        

It has been a decade since your demise. And life refused to be the same way since then.

 

      Mother is absolutely the dominant force in all our lives, the strongest connection ever. Because they gave us life and laid the foundation of life and knowledge. I have always thought, you unknowingly raised us to be independent and self-assured. I often feel things would have been much different if you were around.

      I had  questions like “why it had to be you?” “what next happens to you?” “where did we fail you?” “we abandoned you or you chose it?.” over the years, I understood that’s the course of life. What has to happen will happen and over time, we get used to the pain and navigate the absence in each different ways.

      People say my daughter looks more like me, her talkativeness and people friendly nature remind me the same. Every daughter has a fair share of their mother, right? Which means, I am more of you.

You enabled me to see life in a particular way and now I do the same. Since your absence, anxiety came along. There is an anxious person in me always, I don’t know why. With people around, I am a different person. But inwardly, when I am alone, with myself- my fears spiral up, irrevocably.  I always think of a 1000 possible things that could go wrong. My mind races in hunting them down, creates a defence plan. And pressure shoots up and my heart beats like crazy.

      This anxiety is like stalking me everywhere, I can’t possibly articulate the source. I sometimes convince myself thinking everybody has their own demons to fight with. The more I try to rationalize my anxiousness, the more I am pulled in to its black hole. But yes, I am trying to fight it or am I trying to runaway from it by pretending that it didn’t exist. I don’t know!  I will learn to live with it. 

      Is anxiety a sign of becoming an adult?  I know in some form you surround me, wherever you are, help me deal with this shit amma. However, My heart and mind egg me to say, "amma, its fine." I will handle. Whatever job you are into right now, you focus on that. You have done exceptionally well guarding, helping and providing us already. Its time you focus on you. As I promised, I will look after appa and Alagu and more so now my husband and daughter.

      You relish my progress from wherever you are. I hope you relish, while i also imagine you grumbling about me.  There a thousand things I am willing to tell you, and heard them all? Right?



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"you are unfit, irresponsible, my son deserved better."

-
I couldn't actually stop myself from thinking about the recent Rithanya case in TamilNadu, where she commits suicide upon the dowry demand and ill treatment from her husband and family, with in 78 days of marriage. Despite the lakhs and crores involved, no agency emancipated her. The audio notes and my personal experience took its form and made me write this.  I have tried to rationalize the traumatic process.  I am inspiring to impart the feeling of togetherness to anybody who is facing similar situation, in diluted or intense forms. Be it love or arranged marriage this dowry demanding and giving process is very much in practice. It is not ancient but persistent. In some way or the other the patriarchal society via  the groom's family constructs "you are unfit, irresponsible, my son deserved better." narrative around the bride and her family. The first person experience of this treatment is so horrible that despite the empowered labels - education, career, skills, o...
Read more

Passionate and Perilous crowd: Vijay's Stampede through Shakespearean Lens.

-
Image
The Birth of a Leader is quite a process.  I wasn't a fan of Vijay as an actor but he got me fascinating since his decision to enter politics. It is obvious that Vijay as a leader will be highly charismatic, hugely popular. Considering the recent stampede, the significant question that lingers around his political future is how will he organize the collective energy of his fans and further navigate the passion of the mob to suit his career, as the recent horror proved that unchecked collective passion is dangerous.      This reminds me of Shakespeare's depiction of Roman crowd during the assassination of Julius Caesar. The play presents the roman crowd as fickle, emotional and easily swayed.  In the opening of Shakespeareian play Julius Caesar, the crowd jubilantly celebrates the victory of Caesar. Ironically, the same crowd accepts Brutus rationale for Caesar's death.  After the talk of Brutus, the crowd believes that Caesar was ambitious and he de...
Read more

Appa is now my amma as well.

-
Image
  Appa is now my amma as well. This is an appa’s appreciation blog. Post amma’s demise, I longed for my mother’s presence, not having realised, what a solid support my father has been offering me. Appa’s love language is never loud and clear, I don’t remember   we having any sort of physical touch. He isn’t expressive. But, In retrospection,   I see that he is the embodiment of love. In all the little and big things he did for me, I have propelled   forward.   Appa is now my amma as well. Post childbirth, he helps me run the family whenever he comes to Bengaluru. I would be so lost in void if not for his contribution. When appa comes to  Bengaluru,   he does the following things: 1.                  He completely takes care of   Thulir, bathes her, feeds her, changes her diaper, takes her for a stroll, engages her with no trace of grumblings.   2.    ...
Read more